When I was six, my family was driving on a highway late at night. Streaks of headlights and taillights painted the dark. For the first time, I realized that each car held people living lives as important to them as mine was to me.
I wanted to know what those lives were, and to share my own.
Disclaimer – this post includes nudity and references to nudity. Proceed with full awareness. =)
I’m a regular person – a wife and mom you might not even notice if we passed in the grocery store – and I like it that way. I enjoy anonymity, and have never wanted to be instantly recognizable…
I tend to tuck my achievements into hidden little places where I can explore them covertly. The shy little girl inside me, the girl who was sometimes made much of, if her accomplishments could feed parental pride, ducks its head and digs a toe into the ground every time I reach a goal, or someone compliments me. She learned young to perform in a way that made her more valuable in a home where being valued meant less hitting and yelling directed at her.
But I also received other messages:
- “Don’t toot your own horn.”
- “Don’t get too big for your britches.”
- “Stop fishing for compliments.”
- “Your head’s so big, it won’t fit through the doorway.”
But there’s a good reason to stand up and claim the things I’ve done. If I hide my moments of incandescence and my sparks of brilliance, I’m hoarding them all for myself. It’s stingy. Successes don’t happen in a vacuum. There are always others who play a role, when I achieve something important to me. When I hide my brightest moments, I’m also denying them a chance to shine…
During the last several months, I’ve been paying attention to my times of resistance, and learning how to move forward gradually into a mindset where I can share – not to toot my own horn, but to celebrate, to inspire, to honor not only myself, but also those who helped me to get there.
This February, I entered August McLaughlin’s Beauty of a Woman Blog Fest for the third time. I love the message, and the challenge of finding the beauty in the feminine in a way that embraces the universal. This year, I took a step further, into daring new terrain, and also submitted my post, A Naked Conversation, to the Girl Boner Edition of #BOAW. Girl Boner is a platform for sexual health and body acceptance, both things which are increasingly important to me as a woman and as the mother of two children entering or approaching puberty.
I wrote the post, even though it was scary. I included a nude image (edited so as not to mortify my teenager!), and discussed it with my Accomplice before I hit “Publish”. I felt that was my victory – sharing something so naked and intimate, giving it to the world.
Excerpt from A Naked Conversation:
The social barriers fell away, that day, and we were two people, genuinely sharing. Two people who might never have connected, if we were wearing our respective suits of fabric armor.
Bare skin has greater powers than the ability to attract prospective partners…
Baring skin can lead to baring souls. To realizing that we’re all connected, beneath the layers of identity we don to get through our lives.
Nude Portrait of the Elemental Writer as a Younger Woman
I didn’t expect to win a prize -just to share some profound personal experiences that have shaped my life. I certainly didn’t expect to be offered the opportunity to read the post aloud and discuss it in a very public forum – a guest slot on August’s Girl Boner Radio show – that’s a whole other kind of being naked, after all!
A part of me wanted to to hide, to dig in my big toe. But I squared my shoulders, took a deep breath, and agreed, because it wasn’t about me, really. It was about the message. I’m the conduit through which the experiences and thoughts traveled. I have a passion for pondering and sharing what’s in my head, my heart, and my soul. The trick is to learn to do that, and be comfortable with letting it go, when it grows bigger than what I myself can contain…
The interview, which appears as part of Asexuality and A Naked Conversation, was terrifying and exhilarating – something like writing the original post. August is so warm and open, and I was so happy to have her voice in my house, talking to me, that I relaxed, and it was more like just chatting with a friend, sharing my insights about something that mattered to us both.
Afterward, I was so shy about having done such a daring thing (a way bigger thing for me than being publicly naked!), that I didn’t listen to the interview I gave in early March until mid-May.
More – I really didn’t talk about it, except in bits and pieces, little shafts of sunlight that quickly faded again.
Until now.
I can’t say that I’m ready, or exactly comfortable. I can’t claim that my big toe isn’t grubby from dirt-digging. But here I am, claiming my words and the accomplishment that comes with it. Celebrating August and her bravery and mission. And, do you know what?
I’m going to do it again. And soon!
Because there’s something selfish in hiding….something that cheats others out of the chance to find something valuable, something they can use, in my experiences and struggles.
How about you? What do you struggle with? What daring moves have you made? Have you claimed them? Shared them? I’ll pour you another cuppa; let’s chat!
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